For people who are able to play and live their kinky lives, they might not understand the frustration I go through on quite a regular basis. Then again, maybe they do, I don't know. All I can speak to is my own feelings, and that is my intention.
It has been many months since I have been able to begin actively persuing my personal kinks. Essentially, I was given free reign to find someone and engage in whatever kinky activities I so chose to engage in. To most people, that would be almost like a dream come true and I can only imagine the multiple and varied kinky encounters that would follow soon after. Unfortunately, that is not the case in my situation. To date, I still have yet to really enage in any kind of play at all. No, that's not exactly true. I did have a wonderful play experience on during a Halloween party this year that left me wanting for more. Unfortunately, before and after this party, despite having attended a couple of kink parties, I haven't played at all.
This is probably what frustrates me the most. I have so much energy inside me wanting to come out to play, and yet there is absolutely no direction for it to go. It's not helpful living in an area where potential play partners are very few and far between and those that are around are already involved in committed pairings. Sometimes I find myself wondering if it's me, if there's something about me that keeps people away. That notion quickly goes away since I haven't played with anyone, so I couldn't have done anything to drive anyone off. Of course, on the heels of that, I wonder if something I've said or any of the photos I have posted my have pushed people away. This idea seems fairly silly upon later reflection.
But this is my dilema. I go back and forth in my head about this until my mind is spinning with unanswered questions. Unfortunately, I don't have answers for my questions simply because I have no kind of reference to determine what is correct and what is not. This is where my frustration comes in. To be quite honest, I have no idea if I would make for a good play partner or submissive simply because I haven't been able to play with anyone. It might almost be more comforting to know that, through experience, that I was not good at playing. I actually have that kind of experience when it comes to being dominant. I've been down that road and I know I don't make a good dominante, nor do I like being a dominant. Because of that, I don't find myself pining to play with someone in a dominant role because I know I won't enjoy it nor will I be any good at it.
The same cannot be said about my current wants or activities. However, I haven't had any chance to explore, and that is what really eats at me. I don't want to equate my feelings to addiction, because I think that would almost be insulting to those people who struggle with actual addictions, but I don't have anything else that I think I can effectively compare it to. I suppose it falls into more of a very strong wanting and desire with no signs that there will be an outlet for these feelings on the horizon. Oh certainly there are play parties coming up that I could attend, but I've been down that road already and I can say with certainty that while I certainly met plenty of nice people, I found myself in a constant state of frustration and wanting while I watched other people around me play and enjoy themselves and do exactly what I had been wanting and waiting to do. By the end of the night, after having done nothing and ending up leaving early, I find myself wondering if it's even worth it anymore. Do I really want to put myself out there again like that only to find myself being little more than a silent observer for the entire evening?
That's not a rhetorical question. Quite simply, no, I don't want to do that. Logic would dictate that instead I find someone to become involved in play with. That's a wonderful thought, but what do you do when there's no one to play with? You could perhaps see why I find myself in what seems to be an almost endless circle of self-doubt and frustration.
I wish there was a way to finish this particular posting with an upbeat or optimistic thought, but quite frankly I just can't seem to come up with one. I can only hope that a more positive chapter in my kinkly life is just waiting to be written.
Hey sweetie. First, .
ReplyDeleteYou know, it may be that folks just aren't sure about how to approach you once they are in a party situation. Our local kink community is not so experienced (collectively speaking), that participants are always brimming over with confidence. I know that my written description of my first social gathering was like a junior high school dance, where everyone sat around or walked in small groups around the gym. No one wanted to make a fool of themselves, everyone was little nervous, even the established couples.
As a suggestion, why not put it out there before the next party (to the host or to any attendees you might know) that you would be interested in bottoming say for a flogging or rope demo, or something like that - you know, something easy, friendly and nothing too "deep" as a way of demonstrating your willingness and breaking the ice. This will require someone to be brave enough to do something new in front of a small audience, but I'll be surprised if there are no takers.
Sometimes party games can be nice ice breakers too as a way of getting some mingling happening. You might want to talk to your host about something like that. If you offer to organize the game, there will always be at least a few takers as long as it is nothing too intense and your host may appreciate the help. On my blog is a post about kinky party games. You might want to check it out for inspiration.
In the meantime, hang in there and if you really need an outlet, talk to your kinky friends about arranging a therapeutic spanking (or bondage session or whatever works for you). The least we can do is look out for our own to keep sub-frenzy from kicking in. I know I've put it out there to a couple of folks I know that I'd provide that sort of outlet for them (within agreed upon limits of course) should the need arise.
Hugs again!
Your suggestions are all really good ones, but by and large the biggest problem I seem to be running into is finding someone to play with that isn't already attached to someone. Granted, it is certainly in the realm of possibilities that such a person or people would still be interested in playing, but I can't bring myself to ask that question. It would feel awkward and maybe a bit intrusive on my part. I guess when it comes to "the scene" I'm pretty shy and introverted when it comes to initiating. I guess maybe that's why I'm a sub instead of a dom, so someone else can take the lead and be in control. The hard part is finding someone or multiple someone's that will do that.
ReplyDelete