Thursday 16 February 2012
Monday 30 January 2012
A Return to Joy and Pleasure
As many people would know from my previous posts, I've been a bit down as of late due to the fact that I haven't had any opportunities to play. When you're a submissive with a lot of energy and no dominant to play with, it can be an exercise in frustration and even anger. Well, I can safely say that my little dry spell has finally been broken. And, with a little luck, things will stay that way for some time to come.
Recently, I attented a play party that was a sort of follow up to a local munch. I didn't really have very high expectations for either event since trying to get like-minded kinky people to come together in one place is very difficult in a community of my size. The potential for being "outed" and thusly having your life made a living hell is quite high and many people, understandably, don't want to take that risk. So, the munch went fine. There were a very nice several rounds of pool, a few drinks, and some pizza with a small group of kinky folks. There was conversation, some laughter, and new friends were made. Honestly, that was as far as I thought the weekend would go, and I was actually okay with it. When it comes to kink, things can take time and confidences need to be built up, so if I could make the acquaintance with some new kinky people and maybe given them a bit of my limited knowledge about kinky life, I was happy.
The potential play party that was to happen the following evening was a different story. Honestly, I didn't hold out too much hope for it. Out of all of the play parties I've been to thus far, I've only been able to play once and that was it. To be honest, I was getting more than a little tired of the teasing. By that I don't mean any one person or even a group of people tormenting me that they could play and that I couldn't. It was more of a self-inflicted mental tease and torment that would come about when I would see other individuals or couples enjoying themselves and each other by playing. I've never faulted any of these people, in fact, I consider them lucky that they have people that they can play with. However, it didn't stop me from feeling a constant build of energy that had absolutely no where to go. A friend of mine used the expression "sub-frenzy", which I think is actually rather appropriate for the emotions I was experiencing. So, with all of this pent up energy and desire coupled with disappointment, I think it was perfectly reasonable to either expect no one to show to the party or even decline going simply because I didn't want to be put into that position of having to watch everyone else enjoy themselves.
In the end, however, when I learned that this new couple that I'd met the night prior were deffinately attending the party, even though they would be the only ones, I decided what the hell and went. I got myself all prettied up and went to the party. Bear in mind, I was not expecting to play that night. I simply looked at this as an opportunity to get dressed up and be around like-minded people and perhaps engage in interesting conversations that could potentially lead to either assisting them in discovering what they were looking for or discovering for myself what they already knew they wanted.
Well, imagine my surprise and delight when, not long after arriving at the party, I found myself on my knees at the feet of a strong but gentle woman. It really came out of no where, but I'm oh so glad it did. Remember, I didn't go to this party with any expectations of playing. I didn't even know if these new people would take on the role of dominant or submissive or both. What followed for the rest of an all too brief but wonderful night was a lovely experience of gentle dominance and submission. Since my particular vein in this lifestyle is exactly that, I don't do well with pain since it puts me into a very different mindset, this couldn't have worked out more perfectly. The only bad part was the night coming to an end and leave me wanting more. But, I suppose that's a good way to conclude an evening of play so I'll be anticipating that next scene so much more.
It's nice to know that after so much time having been spent spinning within my own mind that there was finally a positive release along with the excellent potential for more enjoyment in the near future. In the end, that's all a submissive really wants.
Recently, I attented a play party that was a sort of follow up to a local munch. I didn't really have very high expectations for either event since trying to get like-minded kinky people to come together in one place is very difficult in a community of my size. The potential for being "outed" and thusly having your life made a living hell is quite high and many people, understandably, don't want to take that risk. So, the munch went fine. There were a very nice several rounds of pool, a few drinks, and some pizza with a small group of kinky folks. There was conversation, some laughter, and new friends were made. Honestly, that was as far as I thought the weekend would go, and I was actually okay with it. When it comes to kink, things can take time and confidences need to be built up, so if I could make the acquaintance with some new kinky people and maybe given them a bit of my limited knowledge about kinky life, I was happy.
The potential play party that was to happen the following evening was a different story. Honestly, I didn't hold out too much hope for it. Out of all of the play parties I've been to thus far, I've only been able to play once and that was it. To be honest, I was getting more than a little tired of the teasing. By that I don't mean any one person or even a group of people tormenting me that they could play and that I couldn't. It was more of a self-inflicted mental tease and torment that would come about when I would see other individuals or couples enjoying themselves and each other by playing. I've never faulted any of these people, in fact, I consider them lucky that they have people that they can play with. However, it didn't stop me from feeling a constant build of energy that had absolutely no where to go. A friend of mine used the expression "sub-frenzy", which I think is actually rather appropriate for the emotions I was experiencing. So, with all of this pent up energy and desire coupled with disappointment, I think it was perfectly reasonable to either expect no one to show to the party or even decline going simply because I didn't want to be put into that position of having to watch everyone else enjoy themselves.
In the end, however, when I learned that this new couple that I'd met the night prior were deffinately attending the party, even though they would be the only ones, I decided what the hell and went. I got myself all prettied up and went to the party. Bear in mind, I was not expecting to play that night. I simply looked at this as an opportunity to get dressed up and be around like-minded people and perhaps engage in interesting conversations that could potentially lead to either assisting them in discovering what they were looking for or discovering for myself what they already knew they wanted.
Well, imagine my surprise and delight when, not long after arriving at the party, I found myself on my knees at the feet of a strong but gentle woman. It really came out of no where, but I'm oh so glad it did. Remember, I didn't go to this party with any expectations of playing. I didn't even know if these new people would take on the role of dominant or submissive or both. What followed for the rest of an all too brief but wonderful night was a lovely experience of gentle dominance and submission. Since my particular vein in this lifestyle is exactly that, I don't do well with pain since it puts me into a very different mindset, this couldn't have worked out more perfectly. The only bad part was the night coming to an end and leave me wanting more. But, I suppose that's a good way to conclude an evening of play so I'll be anticipating that next scene so much more.
It's nice to know that after so much time having been spent spinning within my own mind that there was finally a positive release along with the excellent potential for more enjoyment in the near future. In the end, that's all a submissive really wants.
Thursday 19 January 2012
Frustration
For people who are able to play and live their kinky lives, they might not understand the frustration I go through on quite a regular basis. Then again, maybe they do, I don't know. All I can speak to is my own feelings, and that is my intention.
It has been many months since I have been able to begin actively persuing my personal kinks. Essentially, I was given free reign to find someone and engage in whatever kinky activities I so chose to engage in. To most people, that would be almost like a dream come true and I can only imagine the multiple and varied kinky encounters that would follow soon after. Unfortunately, that is not the case in my situation. To date, I still have yet to really enage in any kind of play at all. No, that's not exactly true. I did have a wonderful play experience on during a Halloween party this year that left me wanting for more. Unfortunately, before and after this party, despite having attended a couple of kink parties, I haven't played at all.
This is probably what frustrates me the most. I have so much energy inside me wanting to come out to play, and yet there is absolutely no direction for it to go. It's not helpful living in an area where potential play partners are very few and far between and those that are around are already involved in committed pairings. Sometimes I find myself wondering if it's me, if there's something about me that keeps people away. That notion quickly goes away since I haven't played with anyone, so I couldn't have done anything to drive anyone off. Of course, on the heels of that, I wonder if something I've said or any of the photos I have posted my have pushed people away. This idea seems fairly silly upon later reflection.
But this is my dilema. I go back and forth in my head about this until my mind is spinning with unanswered questions. Unfortunately, I don't have answers for my questions simply because I have no kind of reference to determine what is correct and what is not. This is where my frustration comes in. To be quite honest, I have no idea if I would make for a good play partner or submissive simply because I haven't been able to play with anyone. It might almost be more comforting to know that, through experience, that I was not good at playing. I actually have that kind of experience when it comes to being dominant. I've been down that road and I know I don't make a good dominante, nor do I like being a dominant. Because of that, I don't find myself pining to play with someone in a dominant role because I know I won't enjoy it nor will I be any good at it.
The same cannot be said about my current wants or activities. However, I haven't had any chance to explore, and that is what really eats at me. I don't want to equate my feelings to addiction, because I think that would almost be insulting to those people who struggle with actual addictions, but I don't have anything else that I think I can effectively compare it to. I suppose it falls into more of a very strong wanting and desire with no signs that there will be an outlet for these feelings on the horizon. Oh certainly there are play parties coming up that I could attend, but I've been down that road already and I can say with certainty that while I certainly met plenty of nice people, I found myself in a constant state of frustration and wanting while I watched other people around me play and enjoy themselves and do exactly what I had been wanting and waiting to do. By the end of the night, after having done nothing and ending up leaving early, I find myself wondering if it's even worth it anymore. Do I really want to put myself out there again like that only to find myself being little more than a silent observer for the entire evening?
That's not a rhetorical question. Quite simply, no, I don't want to do that. Logic would dictate that instead I find someone to become involved in play with. That's a wonderful thought, but what do you do when there's no one to play with? You could perhaps see why I find myself in what seems to be an almost endless circle of self-doubt and frustration.
I wish there was a way to finish this particular posting with an upbeat or optimistic thought, but quite frankly I just can't seem to come up with one. I can only hope that a more positive chapter in my kinkly life is just waiting to be written.
It has been many months since I have been able to begin actively persuing my personal kinks. Essentially, I was given free reign to find someone and engage in whatever kinky activities I so chose to engage in. To most people, that would be almost like a dream come true and I can only imagine the multiple and varied kinky encounters that would follow soon after. Unfortunately, that is not the case in my situation. To date, I still have yet to really enage in any kind of play at all. No, that's not exactly true. I did have a wonderful play experience on during a Halloween party this year that left me wanting for more. Unfortunately, before and after this party, despite having attended a couple of kink parties, I haven't played at all.
This is probably what frustrates me the most. I have so much energy inside me wanting to come out to play, and yet there is absolutely no direction for it to go. It's not helpful living in an area where potential play partners are very few and far between and those that are around are already involved in committed pairings. Sometimes I find myself wondering if it's me, if there's something about me that keeps people away. That notion quickly goes away since I haven't played with anyone, so I couldn't have done anything to drive anyone off. Of course, on the heels of that, I wonder if something I've said or any of the photos I have posted my have pushed people away. This idea seems fairly silly upon later reflection.
But this is my dilema. I go back and forth in my head about this until my mind is spinning with unanswered questions. Unfortunately, I don't have answers for my questions simply because I have no kind of reference to determine what is correct and what is not. This is where my frustration comes in. To be quite honest, I have no idea if I would make for a good play partner or submissive simply because I haven't been able to play with anyone. It might almost be more comforting to know that, through experience, that I was not good at playing. I actually have that kind of experience when it comes to being dominant. I've been down that road and I know I don't make a good dominante, nor do I like being a dominant. Because of that, I don't find myself pining to play with someone in a dominant role because I know I won't enjoy it nor will I be any good at it.
The same cannot be said about my current wants or activities. However, I haven't had any chance to explore, and that is what really eats at me. I don't want to equate my feelings to addiction, because I think that would almost be insulting to those people who struggle with actual addictions, but I don't have anything else that I think I can effectively compare it to. I suppose it falls into more of a very strong wanting and desire with no signs that there will be an outlet for these feelings on the horizon. Oh certainly there are play parties coming up that I could attend, but I've been down that road already and I can say with certainty that while I certainly met plenty of nice people, I found myself in a constant state of frustration and wanting while I watched other people around me play and enjoy themselves and do exactly what I had been wanting and waiting to do. By the end of the night, after having done nothing and ending up leaving early, I find myself wondering if it's even worth it anymore. Do I really want to put myself out there again like that only to find myself being little more than a silent observer for the entire evening?
That's not a rhetorical question. Quite simply, no, I don't want to do that. Logic would dictate that instead I find someone to become involved in play with. That's a wonderful thought, but what do you do when there's no one to play with? You could perhaps see why I find myself in what seems to be an almost endless circle of self-doubt and frustration.
I wish there was a way to finish this particular posting with an upbeat or optimistic thought, but quite frankly I just can't seem to come up with one. I can only hope that a more positive chapter in my kinkly life is just waiting to be written.
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